Discovering that I regret less than I thought. To THAT music, to those nights, to that lifestyle, to those discoveries, to that misery and that learning experience
Broken hearts, mood swings, lost loves, the past that will haunt you forever, bad choices, good decisions, tears, anger, frustration, and long nights of no sleep.
The way I used to know myself so well I could list all the words that described me and put them on the inside of my locker. The way I thought I could downsize me onto a sheet of 8.5 X 11. To failed attempts at being perfect, to shoving boys out of the way, to cynicism, to the Ledge, to the Five of Us, to being young and thinking we knew everything and knowing we had to know too much
Too much alcohol, longing and wishing you could find answers in the bottom of a cup or behind a box in the closet or even in a pack of cigarettes. Long hallways, bad smells, times better spent, to ghosts and neighbors and doors that couldn't shut. To dancing, to dreaming, to sweating, to sunrise. To speakers to deafness, to quiet in the morning hours. Heat, humidity, pain, tattos, and fear.
Southern storms, change in the seasons, to formality, to schedules, to going back to the way it was. To my Favorite Tree with the bent branch where I used to sit. To running around the yard in costume, to parties, to non-alcoholic fun, to youth, to people, to friends, and laughter. GRITS (not the type you have with your breakfast), hunting, southern accents, posturing, the good life, fields of corn, apple trees, homemade pie, family, and Christmas presents.
Finding out you've been living life all along and nobody has to wake you up and tell you. Loving all the things you are and can be and will be and probably shouldn't have been in the past. The people you love and those who love you. Change and repercussions and the pain of growing with the times and with someone else. To getting older and wiser and younger and smaller every day. To remembering the rainbows in the foyers and the sounds of Mom cooking breakfast. The way the first day of high school felt and the way the last day of college seemed unreal. To riding the school bus for the first time.
A life to live, a life worth living, a life continually going and changing and full of loving. May I remember more of today and less of yesterday. May I treasure the thought of tomorrow and know all I have done has taught me something. Understanding that the Universe works in mysterious ways and that all things come in their own good time.
Here's to always waking up and hoping.